No Longer Engaged?

On the 17th of November, 2021, Casey and I set off for a “date day”. They’d asked me to keep this day clear some weeks prior, saying we hadn’t had a proper date day in a while and it would be fun to make a day of it, go on a little adventure. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I always loved our date days, so I was excited about whatever they had planned. 

Fast forward to the day, and I started to suspect something was up. Casey was a little more highly strung than usual, and, if I’m honest, a little weird. The night before they’d insisted on me redoing my nails, something they’d never taken much interest in before (I used to run up to them and ask them if my nails were pretty, and they’d always reply with an enthusiastic “yes!”, but they’d never noticed them if I didn’t point them out). Why were they all of a sudden interested in me doing my nails?

Then on the drive to wherever we were going (it was a mystery to me still), Casey said “Ugh why is it raining? I’ve been checking the weather forecast for three weeks and it wasn’t supposed to rain”. Huh, strange. Now I was sure something big was happening today. At this point, we’d been dating for five years and had recently bought a house together. Marriage had always been on the cards, so I won’t lie, I did think maybe I was getting proposed to today. But I also didn’t let myself think that fully – I cut off the thought almost as it entered my head. I didn’t want to jinx anything I guess, or assume and feel silly later. 

After a couple of hours drive, we arrived at the forest where we had our first (official) date. I say official because I raced over to their house the night before our first official date because we were flirting heavily and I was too horny to think haha. 

We walked through the forest, and Casey made strange small talk in a semi-frazzled state. “Oh look that’s a big tree.” Sorta thing. 

Finally, we reached the lake, and Casey hovered on one knee (the ground was wet and Casey has always been repulsed by mud), and gave me a speech that melted my heart. 

Goldie, you think your love language is words of affirmation. I think it’s quality time so I thought I’d cover all bases. I wanted to revisit this same spot where we had our first date.

It was sitting here having our first picnic together that I first thought I could listen to you talk forever. I thought then what I know now, that you are so incredibly insightful and oh so eloquent.

I know it doesn’t seem it at times but I am so entranced by every well-thought-out thing that comes out of your mouth. You speak with such kindness and understanding like no one I have ever met.

Every day since that very first day, you have made me feel more than I am. More capable, more accomplished.

It has never been more clear that I am so lucky to have you as a partner.

You packed your life to move to Derbyshire with me without a moment’s hesitation. 3 years later we have our own home and the foundations for our future together.

You have got me through so much these past couple of years. I wouldn’t be the person I am without you. Will you marry me?

Pretty perfect, right? I said yes, or I think I did – it was all very overwhelming in the best way. From there we kissed, and spent some time in the forest, being the only ones who knew this massive thing had just happened in our little world. Hours later it was a blur of telling friends and family. We even got my best friend to drive over to a hotel Casey at booked for the night so we could tell him in person – he ended up celebrating with us and talking the owner into letting him stay in a whole house on the property for very cheap – he had a better room than us! 

Calling Off the Engagement

A few weeks back I found the speech Casey gave to me that day while I was looking through my memory collection – childhood photos, newspaper clippings, random birthday cards I’ve kept over the years. It was tucked away in a folder, behind a picture of seven-year-old me in my favorite Spice Girls T-shirt. I read the speech and cried. 

It forced me to confront something we’d both been thinking about for a few months but hadn’t had a conversation about – It would be wrong for us to get married now. I talked to Casey, and we both agreed on that point. 

We met Wren 9 months ago, and although it started slow and casual, it has since become something much deeper. We’d exchanged “I love yous”, and we would all fantasize about our future – a house in the Lakes with ducks and a pristine garden. Wren’s an amazing person, and they deserve a future, a story in this, where they aren’t second to our relationship. Where it isn’t us and them. They deserve that privately and publicly, and that means we have to be deliberate. It means we can’t get married and elevate Casey and me as a unit, above them and all of us as a three. 

None of us can know what the future holds, but what I do know is that right now, everything feels good and right, and that means we have to act with intention. We have to vote for the future we want to have together and hope that our actions lead to those outcomes, and getting married is a vote in the wrong direction.